Wait and See

I'm at my 7 weeks, and while still having a mental debate over which way to go, I decided to take precautionary steps to do all the tests that i need to do just in case.  I had my first ultra-sound.  The thought of going to an ultrasound was scary - on one hand, I didn't want to bond with the baby too much, on the other hand, I want to take care of my health just in case.  We went through the procedure, but what I will remember for the rest of my life is when the sonographer showed me on screen the fetus; and that the baby has heart beat.  It literally brought tears to my eyes.  It's a miracle and it's a miracle that I'm part of this miracle.  The pure joy is indescribable.

Many sleepless nights and walking zombie

I was feeling more tired than my usual self; but didn't think anything of it just thought it was part of the moving stress.  The day when I missed my period, I had rushed to Wal-mart first thing in the morning, and peed on that stick.  I was so nervous and couldn't even look at the stick until I got back to my car.  Faint pink lines.  I keep thinking that could have been wrong; and then bought 4 more tests and tested in on subsequent days.  The lines were more pronounced each day.

My situation: I was in love with the baby's father.  In fact, he was the first person I fell so hard for; we both loved cycling, we were both spontaneous and fun loving.  He makes me feel secured and safe, and I think I bring a lot of joy and positive qualities to his life as well.  He was in the process of legalizing the separation; and we were both looking forward to a future together.  As the days progress, he finds it difficult to be living in two worlds being supportive as the dad to his two kids; and being with me at the same time.  We broke up last year, as he had lost himself and cannot simply cope with living in this world and being able to give me what I want.   That was last June (2010).

While we discontinued our relationship, I had not been able to move on.  In my heart, he is the one I can see myself with for the rest of my life.   I know if the situation was to be different, that, he would want the same for us too.  We deeply cared for each other.  I tried to keep some distance between us.  I moved away in November, I took a chef course overseas to try to distract myself, I was in intensive yoga training - basically you get the idea...just keeping busy.  He went away for a month as well in April (2011).   I know he's gone on a few dates; and I try to meet new people - but in the end and in my heart, I have never been able to let go.  I still cared deeply for him.  Throughout this time (June 2010 - August 2011), we kept in touch, though infrequent and perhaps a simple text, we were still in each other's lives in a way.   The summer of August brought us closer together, as we were both in the same cycling club.  I was going through a rough patch around the summer, as I had just been laid off from my work of 10 years.  Well, honestly it's not a well thought out plan (clearly), we found ourselves in each other company and had sex in August (once), and the rest is at the start of the paragraph.

I called him and told him, and he wanted an abortion.  He is confused; and does not want his life to complicate further.  I am not sure what I would do if I'm in his shoes.  For me, I had a real hard time coming to terms with it.  I have always wanted a child in my life, but never have imagined doing it alone.  I tried on several occasions to reason with it, to discuss my emotions with him.  But I think he is too confused to make any sense of it.  I didn't sleep, couldn't sleep, woke up in the middle of the night to think...keep the baby, or not.  I googled EVERY group I could find on the internet about abortion, about single pregnancy, about single moms, about the procedures.  There are days when all I could do was to walk to the park, and back.  There are days when I googled at 3am.  There are days when I lost so much weight that I looked a bit scary.  Well, the mental struggle lasted for weeks.  I was tired.  I was trying to pin my decision on HIS decision.  I made appointments for abortion.  I pushed it back.  I didn't go.  The turning point for me is when I confided in someone, my best friend yvonne and his mother norma.  Norma wasn't aware of any of this; she is a strong catholic and the moment she found out, she offers to come to my place.  She gave me a hug; she held my hands; she said she would be there for me.  I was crying non stop; and gave her all the reasons why I should not have the baby.  She said focus on what is now, and the rest will sort itself out later.  I said what if the baby has no father......what do I tell the baby.....that's all going to sort itself out in the end but one thing for sure, the baby will be glad that you gave it life.  As for my best friend, she came over to my house immediately, and listened, and listened, and be there for me.  She is not sure what she would do either if she was in my shoes.....while I don't have all the answers, I know in the deeps of my heart I need to owe up to it.  I need to embrace what's inside me.  Life may not seem to unfold as I have imagined it..in sequence.  But the fact is perhaps God has a different plan for me that's different from everyone else.  I stopped to fight it at that point, and just listened to what I want, accepting the fact that the baby's father would not be around.  That day was Sep 11.